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"Meihem in Ce Klasrum" is a 1500-word short story by Dolton Edwards, written in the form of a tongue-in-cheek proposal for a reform of English language spelling. The story was first published in the September, 1946 issue of Astounding Science Fiction.

Spoiler Warning: Plot details and/or information about the ending follow. If you wish to enjoy the work first, stop reading here and return at another time.

Plot

After a suggestion by George Bernard Shaw, the author proposes a program for simplifying the English language by phasing in a series of reforms, one reform per year, until we have an English language that is easier to learn, to spell, and that has a one to one correspondence between sound and letter. The author proposes that the first reform, to be enacted in 1946, is to replace the soft ‘c’ (as in Face) with the letter ‘s’, and, says Edwards, “Sertainly, such an improvement would be selebrated in all sivic-minded sircles as being sufficiently worth the trouble…” Then in 1947, he suggests replacing the hard ‘c’ (as in Cat) with the letter ‘k’. Next, in 1948, we would replace ‘ph’ with ‘f’. In 1949, we eliminate all double letters. In 1950 we would begin spelling all dipthongs phonetically, and in 1951 we would eliminate the silent ‘e’. By this time it would have been four years since anyone had used the letter ‘c’, and so now we could use that letter as a replacement for the letters ‘th’. In 1952 we would eliminate the letter ‘y’ as it is currently used, and in 1953 begin using that letter in place of the letters ‘sh’.

Kontinuing cis proses, year after year, we would eventuali have a reali sinsibl written langug. By 1975, wi ventyur tu sei, cer wud bi no mor uv ces teribli trublsum difikultis, wic no tu leters usd to indikeit ce seim nois, and laikwais no tu noises riten wic ce seim leter. Even Mr. Yaw, wi beliv, wud be hapi in ce noleg cat his drims fainali keim tru.

(Continuing this process, year after year, we would eventually have a really sensible written language. By 1975, we venture to say, there would be no more of these terribly troublesome difficulties, with no two letters used to indicate the same noise, and likewise no two noises written with the same letter. Even Mr. Shaw, we believe, would be happy in the knowledge that his dreams finally came true.)

Additional Notes

This story has been reprinted in, among other places, Isaac Asimov Presents The Great SF Stories 8 (1946).

Notice that in the story’s last paragraph the author (at least in my copy) made a few mistakes: ‘would’ should be spelled ‘wud’; ‘have’ should be spelled ‘hav’, and ‘By’ should be spelled ‘Bi’. The title of the story, of course, would be translated into primitive English as “Mayhem in the Classroom”.