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"Earthlings Go Home!" is a 3,000 word short story by Mack Reynolds, written in the form of a travel brochure for Earthlings who want to visit Mars. The story was first published in the August, 1962 issue of Rogue.

Spoiler Warning: Plot details and/or information about the ending follow. If you wish to enjoy the work first, stop reading here and return at another time.

Plot

The story is written like a travel pamphlet, telling what a great place Mars is for prospective vacationers. The author describes things like an "accelerated hotel" which is constantly travelling with the Martian terminus, to avoid the planet’s extremes of hot and cold. He tells of Martian food and drinks, including the "woji", which gives the drinker a hangover first, and only then a feeling of euphoria; and the "nig", which has antigravity properties, making the drinker float in the air for a time. The author notes that the Martian economy has no money:

[I]t seems as though from his earliest youth, each Martian simply puts everything he ever buys on the cuff. When he’s eventually lived his life out and is laid to rest, the fiscal authorities settle it all up, deducting from the earnings of his lifetime everything he’s ever spent.

Yes, Yes, we know. You’re saying, “Suppose his tab totals up to more than he earned?” And we can only say, repeating all over again that Mars is different, that in that case they wake him up and make him work out the difference. It seems that medicine is a science that is very advanced among the Martians.

The author finishes by describing various sites to see on Mars, and notes that the graffiti described in the story's title is often seen.

Reprints

This story has been reprinted in, among other places, Isaac Asimov Presents The Great SF Stories 24 (1962).